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Partial Birth Abortion Bans Partial Birth Abortion
by Statement by the President
Friday, Nov. 07, 2003 at 6:39 PM
Attorney General Ashcroft has gathered solid intelligence indicating that physicians have performed this 'partial birth' type of emergency abortion as many as 2,500 times since 1973. Heck, that's almost as many Iraqi and Afghan babies as I've killed since January!"
PRESIDENT SIGNS "PARTIAL BIRTH" ABORTION BAN, DECLARING "NEVER AGAIN SHALL UPPITY SNATCHES THWART GOD'S WILL TO CREATE SEVERELY DEFORMED FETUSES IN HIS IMAGE!"
THE PRESIDENT: Thank you very much. Good afternoon. I'm pleased that all of you could join me as the "Partial Birth" Abortion Act of 2003 becomes the law of the land. I especially want to thank Reverend Falwell for coming. We made it a point to seat you front and center, Jerry � on account of how you just ooze love for all peoples.
For too many years now, liberal doctors have been practicing a procedure known as "Intact Dilation and Extraction." Indeed, Attorney General Ashcroft has gathered solid intelligence indicating that this emergency procedure has been performed as many as 2500 times since 1973. Heck, that's almost as many Iraqi and Afghan babies as I've killed since January!
(Shouts of "Amen.")
That's what I said! So anyways, I want to explain how Intact Dilation and Extraction worked before I renamed it "partial birth abortion" and backed this bill to make it a felony. To do that, I'd like all of you fellas in the audience who made this law a reality to close your eyes and pretend that you're actually a woman.
(Raucous Laughter.)
I know, I know. Ridiculous. But bear with me for a minute. Got your eyes closed? Good. Now pretend you're all preggers. Not just recently-knocked-up preggers, but like late-term super-preggers. You're fat, and ugly, and your husband's so grossed out by your bloated librarian ass, that he's coming home late from Harken Energy every night after plowing his secretary while doing lines of blow off her tits.
(Hoots.)
Yeah, we've all been there. So anyway, you're real preggers � like just over six months � and your plan is to become a mommy. Then one day, you go in for your checkup, and they tell you that Jesus has decided to flex his mighty love muscle by afflicting your womb booger with one of his most beautiful congenital deformities � like anencephaly, severe spina bifida, or extreme hydrocephalus. You're told that when you carry it to term, not only will God probably kill that baby himself within mere hours or days, but He might just kill you during delivery, AND will sure as hell put your family in the poor house unless you've got one sweetheart federal insurance package!
(Laughter.)
Right, like we let anyone have those except us! But anyway, here's where it really gets crazy. Did you know that under such circumstances, there are actually man-hating lezbo liberal baby killers out there who want to take steps to interfere with God Almighty's all-knowing and all-merciful plan to kill and/or bankrupt her by hatching that severely deformed thing-child into the world? They don't seem to understand that the Lord wants that little monster to be born � if for no other reason than to amuse Himself watching it struggling to move its 30-pound watermelon head around!
(Cheers.)
My sentiments exactly! But what do these tramps go and do? They ask their so-called physicians � blood-thirsty murderers who pretend to know what they're talking about simply because they wasted twelve years studying medicine instead of going AWOL and watching baseball � what options are available to them to take a big steaming dump right on the Lord's face!
(Gasps.)
And what do those "doctors" tell them? They say that there's one procedure � Intact Dilation & Extraction � which is reserved almost exclusively for fabulously rare circumstances such as this. They say it ain't pretty, and that 99 percent of the time, it involves imploding an deformed, incomplete fetus skull through which brain tissue is already protruding. They say that if they don't get have Intact Dilation & Extraction, they might just die.
(Boos.)
That's what I said! I mean, can you believe it? These girly-girls are never happy. The damned liberals already went and gave them the right to vote and wear pants, and now they want to be able to live? Unreal! Which is why when Pat Robertson called me up and said that outlawing this bitch-saving abomination was almost as important to him as nuking the State Department, I hopped on board right away! And today, here we are! Intact Dilation & Extraction is about to become ILLEGAL!
(Cheers.)
Hard to believe it's been just seven months since the Senate passed this ban. Because as I said back in March, this is a huge victory in our tireless incremental plot to completely and permanently ban all forms of abortion. It's all about the baby steps, folks. Before you know it, there won't be a single knocked-up slut in this grand country of ours who will even dream about messing around with her insides once she's got a coochie full of man chutney.
I mean, if the good Lord meant women to have any say over their bodies, would he have put those sweet little penis pockets between their legs? Hell no! And if the ladies keep nagging about this, well, we'll take back that rib, too!
(Applause.)
Furthermore, I swear to all of you that the Executive Branch � which means, like, the Marines, Delta Force, and all the paramilitary domestic death squads at my disposal � will vigorously dispatch any highfalutin judge who thinks it's his job to interpret and make rulings about law. And in just a few decades, the uteruses of this country's shirt-ironing, potroast-basting baby makers will be declared National Parks, subject to strict statutes making it a federal offense for womenfolk to so much as squeeze a bottle of Massengill into themselves without direct permission from yours truly.
(Applause.)
I want to thank Senator Rick Santorum in particular for sponsoring this bill in the Senate. I know how much he struggled with the moral and philosophical implications of banning this procedure � especially knowing that around 10% of those 2500 almost unimaginably deformed fetuses were also homos in waiting. Fortunately, inasmuch as Rickos was instrumental in derailing Hate Crimes legislation last June, he can take solace knowing that any fag octopus babies saved by the Partial Birth Abortion ban can still be fatally gay-bashed with impunity.
(Cheers.)
In closing, I want to thank you all for joining me for this historic bill signing. My only regret is that there are only twelve letters in my signature � meaning just twelve golden pens to be auctioned off for $2,000.00 a pop at my next campaign stop.
(Applause.)
My poppy once said to me: "Abortion is a politically tricky thing, Junior. That's why you must never let anyone know about the illegal one you paid for in Houston back in 1970." That oh-so-Presidential wisdom and spirit is reflected in the Partial Birth Abortion Ban Act of 2003, which I am now honored to sign into law. God bless.
(The bill is signed.) (Applause.)
Thank you, all.
(Applause.)
Illegal abortion is cool
by G. W. Bush
Wednesday, Nov. 12, 2003 at 1:28 AM
This is not a joke. It's an actual lawsuit filed pro se in Fort Bend County, Texas.
NO. 22127 MARGIE SCHOEDINGER, IN THE COUNTY CIVIL COURT
Plaintiff AT LAW NUMBER 3 vs.
GEORGE W. BUSH, FORT BEND COUNTY, T E X
Plaintiff is a resident of Fort Bend County, Texas, residing at XXXXX, Missouri City, Fort Bent County, Texas, 77459. Defendant is George W. Bush, Former Governor of Texas and current President of the United States and can be served with process at: Office of the President of the United States, Executive Office Building, The Executive Office of the President, Washington D. C. 20501.
II.On or about,October 26, 2000, an attempt was made to abduct Plaintiff by three unknown assailants. Because of the actions of these assailants, Sugar Land police officers were dispatched to the scene. In the end, no report was taken, the assailants were treated respectfully and allowed to go free while Plaintiff was repeatedly and aggressively questioned. After filing a lawsuit, Plaintiff's family and past contacts were questioned and harassed. As a result, Plaintiff dismissed Plaintiff's lawsuit. Irrespective of Plaintiff dismissing the lawsuit, the harassment continued. At some point, Plaintiff contacted the Houston office of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, filing a raced based harassment complaint, advising that the Sugar Land Police Department may or may not be harassing Plaintiff on behalf of her neighbors in Sugar Land or possibly on behalf of the First Colony Community Services Association. The agent in question advised Plaintiff that the situation appeared to be highly organized and most likely higher level, such as a racist organization.
III. Eventually the harassment increased to the point where Plaintiff took the step of writing letters directly to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, Houston Office. Instead of assisting Plaintiff with her concerns, the FBI took on the same demeanor as the Sugar Land Police Department. Eventually, Plaintiff learned, via telephone conversations, that both the Sugar Land Police Department and the Houston Office of the Federal Bureau of Investigations were acting at the behest of the Defendant, George W. Bush. As a part of their defense, the Sugar Land Police Department conducted a background investigation into Plaintiff's past activities. In the end, this investigation yielded the following information: Plaintiff had seven dates, (which became seven lovers), had told no lies, committed no crimes, gotten 2 traffic tickets and dated George W. Bush as a minor.
IV. Instead of looking at this information and keeping this information concealed, both agencies began revealing this information within their own intranets. In an effort to defend himself, the Defendant and his representatives began contacting Plaintiff regarding the relationship. While Plaintiff assured the Defendant and his representatives that she neither personally revealed this information, nor would she confirm it in any setting, the Defendant, his family and his representatives continued to threaten Plaintiff.
V. In the end, Plaintiff learned that while the Defendant and his representatives requested that she be harassed at all costs by both agencies, the Defendant also informed Plaintiff that his only option to assure his never having to answer for the previous contact would be to simply see Plaintiff pressured to the point of committing suicide. Plaintiff s opinion was that Defendant should simply leave Plaintiff to pursue a second attempt at a degree, even a PHd. Additionally, even if the previous contact were revealed in the future, it would be of no consequence. In response to Plaintiff s refusal to give in, Plaintiff s bank account has been expunged, Plaintiff s husband has been dismissed from his place of employment, and Plaintiff has been raped and beaten -which resulted in a miscarriage. Upon going to the hospital, Plaintiff was threatened by agents of the Federal Bureau of Investigation on behalf of the Defendant. The purpose being to keep Plaintiff from remaining in the hospital and be administered thorough treatment. The reason being that the Defendant might have been the father of the child that was lost.
VI. Now Plaintiff continues to be threatened. According to the office of the Defendant and the Defendant, Plaintiff s background has been ruined, Plaintiff will never be able to have a clean credit bureau, Plaintiff's husband will never be able to find a job, Plaintiff degrees will continue to be expunged as well as any other achievement on Plaintiff's parts, Plaintiff will be placed on an AIDs watch list for the rest of her life, watched by the CIA, harassed by the Secret Service, placed on the National Security Agency's Photo Array, (which would cause Plaintiff to be considered as a suspect in any crime where the suspect remotely fits Plaintiff s description), Plaintiffs home is under surveillance in a manner that is fully recordable in all aspects and this surveillance is able to be loaded onto an internet page within minutes; including but not limited to prison Web sites, military web sites and any internet locale that might cause Plaintiff to be killed, raped, beaten or put in harms way. Moreover, the Defendant took personal responsibility for these decisions, explaining to Plaintiff that committing suicide would be her best option as in his opinion; Plaintiff is essentially dead in any case. No matter what Plaintiff's background was before, no matter how pristine, Plaintiff would be destroyed completely. At this point, the question repeatedly became whether or not the Defendant could have fathered the child and whether or not the hospital had actually collected the pathology on the unborn child. Finally, we decided that Plaintiff should be killed rather than being harassed to the point of committing suicide. However, the defendant stated he could not convince anyone he could trust to keep the secret to do this for him. The decision then became that the defendant should kill the Plaintiff personally. Instead of following through and just killing Plaintiff', defendant decided to go forth and ruin Plaintiff's life instead. This is the cause of Plaintiff filing this lawsuit,
VII. Throughout this conversation, Plaintiff learned that there was no time that the Defendant ever stopped watching Plaintiff, nor did he stop having sex with Plaintiff. The sole concern of the Defendant and his representatives was whether Plaintiff could actually recall the individual sex crimes committed against Plaintiff and Plaintiff's husband, utilizing drugs. Whether or not Plaintiff's husband was raped remains in question, as Plaintiff was drugged after she was raped and her husband was drugged before her rape. Plaintiff can only state that these men purported to be FBI agents raping her for the purpose of covering for how many times they had drugged her and allowed the Defendant to rape her in the same manner.
VIII. Plaintiff repeats and re-alleges allegation in Paragraphs I through VII. Plaintiff has sustained 1 million dollars in actual damages and seeks punitive damages in the amount of 49 million dollars for reasons of emotional distress, loss of freedom and ability to pursue Plaintiff's own dreams, alienation of affection from Plaintiff's spouse, loss of privacy, being disparaged on the internet, and loss of Plaintiff ability to be a Christian writer. Plaintiff has suffered all of the aforementioned and more as a result of Defendant's actions as described herein.
Plaintiff prays that in addition to the aforementioned recovery, Plaintiff is entitled to recover the costs in preparing this action for trial, pursuing any necessary appeal of this action and retaining an attorney to pursue said action.
WHEREFORE, Plaintiff prays that the Defendant, be sited to appear and answer, and that on final trial, Plaintiff be granted the following:
1. Judgment against defendant for actual damage suffered by the Plaintiff.
2. Judgment against the defendant for punitive damage.
3. A further judgment against the defendant in excess of the minimum jurisdictional limits of the court.
4. Costs of Suit.
5. Pre-Judgment Interest.
6. Post-Judgment Interest.
7. Such other and further relief to which Plaintiff may be justly entitled.
RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED,
Dated this 2nd day of December, 2002
Margie D. Schoedinger
Update
by the ghost of vince foster
Wednesday, Nov. 12, 2003 at 1:54 PM
Paper: Houston Chronicle
Date: Saturday 09/27/03
Section: A
Edition: 3
SCHOEDINGER
MARGIE D. SCHOEDINGER expired Monday, 9/22/03 . Visitation: Friday, 9/26/03 , 7 to 9pm, McCoy & Harrison Chapel. Funeral Service: Saturday, 9/27/03 , 1:30pm, McCoy & Harrison Chapel. Interment, Houston Memorial Gardens.
bush body count
by raging moderate
Friday, Nov. 14, 2003 at 2:39 PM
Holy Vince Foster Batman, maybe we are seeing the beginings of a Bush body count. :)
sorry to disappoint you
by USS Feces Detector
Friday, Nov. 14, 2003 at 3:13 PM
If there truly were a body count, we'd be seeing all you Collaborators stacked up neatly like cordwood.
Alas, instead you lice farmers keep breathing our precious air....
You like popoo alot!
by USS Yassar Datsmibabe
Friday, Nov. 14, 2003 at 3:20 PM
No wonder you just cut and paste, you don't even have the beginnings of a point.
You adore the ones who armed and trained the terrorists from the other goatherd death cult, and make obscure Star Trek references.
You could probably use some human contact.
Bush is a moron
by USS Anencephaly
Friday, Nov. 14, 2003 at 3:23 PM
What you Bushbots don't realize is that by outlawing aborting fetuses that suffer from anencephaly, severe spina bifida, or extreme hydrocephalus, etc, the world will be absolutely over-run with brain dead leftists in no time.
You think we're in trouble now? Just wait while another generation spawns more freaks that can't logically argue their way out of soiled Pampers.
beginnings of a point
by idiot detector
Friday, Nov. 14, 2003 at 5:35 PM
How many times are you going to use the term "cut and paste", Little Precious? I've noticed that you've made that blunder several times. Perhaps the IMC editorial collective will, to borrow your elitist words, remove it at their leisure? It's COPY and paste, you illiterate dime store dweeb.
And don't spam the place with this image if you're gonna piss your Pampers about wasting bandwidth. I notice you've uploaded it several times, which wastes bandwidth, instead of linking to it, which costs the IMC no extra bandwidth. Really, you're the most uneducated Leftist moron here. Even Hologram Man, goofy as he is, is at least inquisitive in it's own way. You show not one scintilla of promise.
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