PGHIMC - Pittsburgh Independent Media Center

New Year Resolutions For The IMC Bush-haters
by Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman Saturday, Dec. 27, 2003 at 7:41 PM

2004 promises to be a long year for all you Bush haters. So here is something for you to consider in you New Year Resolutions.

I resolve to examine at least one of the president's statements, acts, gestures or facial expressions without first insisting it proves that the man is a stupid chimp evil liar plastic-turkey-holding DRAFT DODGER MY GOD CAN'T YOU PEOPLE SEE HIM FOR WHAT HE IS?

I resolve to consider that not everything Bush says is a lie. Example: If Bush says that ''two plus two equals four,'' I will not spit, ''Oh, that's Enron math,'' and spend the rest of the day rebalancing my checkbook in Base Eight.

I resolve to grasp the absurdity of appearing on national talk shows to insist that our freedom of speech has disappeared.

I resolve to be more precise in my language. When I am tempted to criticize the administration for being ''pre-emptive,'' I will recall that arresting all the hijackers on Sept. 10, 2001, would have been, well, pre-emptive, and that I might well have protested this indefensible act of ''profiling.''

I resolve to let at least a minute pass before I accuse the administration of contemptuous high-handedness toward our allies. By which I mean France. I resolve to ask myself whether my attachment to French approval is analogous to a high school chess geek mooning after the lovely but haughty cheerleader who regards everyone with bemused contempt. She winked once. That was weeks ago. Was it all a tease?

I resolve to accept the election returns, and not spend my precious mortal allotment in the humid chambers of the Internet message boards, insisting that BushCo obviously stole the election in 46 states. Perhaps Howard Dean will lose because he suggested that the governor of a toy-sized state knew more about the military and foreign policy than a man whose policies toppled the Taliban in Afghanistan and the Baathists of Iraq, and brought Libya to heel.

Meanwhile, I resolve to admit I'd be delighted to impeach Bush for lying to a grand jury. Even about sex. Especially about sex.

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